• November 2007
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Today at work,

I wanted to put up a sign over my desk that says,

“No, I’m not fine. Quit asking me!”

I didn’t, of course. I put on my headphones, turned on my iPod and pretended to not hear when people spoke to me for most of the day. Actually, sometimes I wasn’t even listening to anything, but I kept on my headphones to create a barrier. Rude, huh? Oh well.

I did not feel like answering questions. I didn’t feel like being distracted by a 15 minute conversation about whatever drama is headlining their life right now. I did not feel like saying once more that we’re getting through it one day at a time but it sucks. I didn’t want to say, again, that I’m hurting. For me, for my sister, for her family, for all of us. I didn’t want to say how unfair it is and how angry I feel sometimes. I didn’t want to say that I feel badly for feeling angry, for not knowing, for not helping, for not reaching out more. I didn’t want to say that I don’t know what to do to help my sister besides listening and offering/trying to do things for her that are too hard for her to think about right now. I didn’t want to say that it’s hard to hold it together and to be strong for those who need me to be strong and to not fall down.

It’s nice to hear that people get through deaths of loved ones, but not today. And probably not tomorrow either. Right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know which anti-depressants they took to feel better or how many years it was before their heart didn’t ache each time they heard that name. Right now, my heart is broken and I don’t feel better. I’m going through the motions of life because I have to. Not because it’s fun. I’m not sure that I’ve actually accomplished anything at all this week, either at home or at work, but I’m physically present and am going through the motions.

I know people mean well. I am glad that they care. Really, I am. But I’m tired of people peering into my face waiting for some big revelation of my feelings when all I feel is haunted, exhausted, and drained and all I want is for them to leave me alone for a little while.

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8 Responses

  1. It sounds like you and I have opposite problems right now. I just want someone to ask me how we are doing, but everyone is acting like nothing happened. No one is asking how my sister is doing, no one is asking how her family is doing or how I am doing or how the kids are handling it, nothing.
    People at church were very sweet and kind last Monday night and Tuesday, but I haven’t heard from anyone since then and when I did talk to someone who knew what happened, he didn’t mention it. I just wish someone would ask.

  2. I’ll call and ask how you’re all doing and you don’t have to ask me anything at all. 🙂

    Love you, Julie. I wish.. oh heck, I don’t know what I wish.

  3. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. My husband died 10 years ago and I honestly didn’t think I could breathe another breath of air on this earth. I understand how you are feeling, truly. I won’t give you advice or tell you how to cope. Just know I’m thinking about you.

  4. Natalie,

    I know you sis appreciates you soooo much! We all love you guys and wish I could be there for everyone. Just know my prayers and thoughts are w/you all.

    Love,
    Diane

  5. I understand. completely.

  6. I’m so sorry Natalie.

  7. Natalie,
    I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. I know that nothing I say can change the way you feel. I know that nothing I say can take away the pain and the emptiness left behind. I do know that God will carry you through and I’m praying that you will feel His hands holding you up and carrying you when you can’t do it yourself.
    In His Love and Blessings,
    annb

  8. I am sorry for not keeping up with what is happening in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I know it has been a long while since we chatted or emailed each other, but not one day goes by that I do not think of you and hope and pray you are well. You have been a big help to me in my life since we met and I deeply appreciate our friendship…even though I have neglected it since moving to Dallas. God bless!

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