I wanted to put up a sign over my desk that says,
“No, I’m not fine. Quit asking me!”
I didn’t, of course. I put on my headphones, turned on my iPod and pretended to not hear when people spoke to me for most of the day. Actually, sometimes I wasn’t even listening to anything, but I kept on my headphones to create a barrier. Rude, huh? Oh well.
I did not feel like answering questions. I didn’t feel like being distracted by a 15 minute conversation about whatever drama is headlining their life right now. I did not feel like saying once more that we’re getting through it one day at a time but it sucks. I didn’t want to say, again, that I’m hurting. For me, for my sister, for her family, for all of us. I didn’t want to say how unfair it is and how angry I feel sometimes. I didn’t want to say that I feel badly for feeling angry, for not knowing, for not helping, for not reaching out more. I didn’t want to say that I don’t know what to do to help my sister besides listening and offering/trying to do things for her that are too hard for her to think about right now. I didn’t want to say that it’s hard to hold it together and to be strong for those who need me to be strong and to not fall down.
It’s nice to hear that people get through deaths of loved ones, but not today. And probably not tomorrow either. Right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know which anti-depressants they took to feel better or how many years it was before their heart didn’t ache each time they heard that name. Right now, my heart is broken and I don’t feel better. I’m going through the motions of life because I have to. Not because it’s fun. I’m not sure that I’ve actually accomplished anything at all this week, either at home or at work, but I’m physically present and am going through the motions.
I know people mean well. I am glad that they care. Really, I am. But I’m tired of people peering into my face waiting for some big revelation of my feelings when all I feel is haunted, exhausted, and drained and all I want is for them to leave me alone for a little while.
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