Today at work,

I wanted to put up a sign over my desk that says,

“No, I’m not fine. Quit asking me!”

I didn’t, of course. I put on my headphones, turned on my iPod and pretended to not hear when people spoke to me for most of the day. Actually, sometimes I wasn’t even listening to anything, but I kept on my headphones to create a barrier. Rude, huh? Oh well.

I did not feel like answering questions. I didn’t feel like being distracted by a 15 minute conversation about whatever drama is headlining their life right now. I did not feel like saying once more that we’re getting through it one day at a time but it sucks. I didn’t want to say, again, that I’m hurting. For me, for my sister, for her family, for all of us. I didn’t want to say how unfair it is and how angry I feel sometimes. I didn’t want to say that I feel badly for feeling angry, for not knowing, for not helping, for not reaching out more. I didn’t want to say that I don’t know what to do to help my sister besides listening and offering/trying to do things for her that are too hard for her to think about right now. I didn’t want to say that it’s hard to hold it together and to be strong for those who need me to be strong and to not fall down.

It’s nice to hear that people get through deaths of loved ones, but not today. And probably not tomorrow either. Right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know which anti-depressants they took to feel better or how many years it was before their heart didn’t ache each time they heard that name. Right now, my heart is broken and I don’t feel better. I’m going through the motions of life because I have to. Not because it’s fun. I’m not sure that I’ve actually accomplished anything at all this week, either at home or at work, but I’m physically present and am going through the motions.

I know people mean well. I am glad that they care. Really, I am. But I’m tired of people peering into my face waiting for some big revelation of my feelings when all I feel is haunted, exhausted, and drained and all I want is for them to leave me alone for a little while.

a conversation between co-workers

A: That man reminds me of Earl from Cornbread, Earl and Me. Have you ever seen that one?

B: No. I’ve heard of Me, Myself and Irene, but not the Cornbread one.

A: You should watch it. It’s a good movie.

I’ve not ever seen Cornbread, Earl and Me. Have you?

Megan

My niece Megan left this earth on November 19, 2007.
She was a beautiful young woman, a dear daughter, sister,
cousin, niece, granddaughter and friend. We loved her
tremendously. We miss her and look forward to hearing
her laugh and seeing her smile again one day.

Recent blog searches

I was just looking at the recent searches that have brought readers to my blog.

Evidently, every day people from around the world want to know when Oprah Winfrey’s birthday is.

I’ll not keep you in suspense any longer… it’s January 29, 1954.

If you want to send her a birthday card, I’d advise you to get it in the mail early so her staff has time to go through the mail and get it to her before or on the actual date. Best of luck with that…

On Joy and Sorrow

by Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Thank you, Sara, for sending me this. It’s beautiful.

Thank you

for your kind thoughts and prayers.
The funeral is tomorrow at 10:00am.

grief

My twenty-one year old niece died today.
Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.