Today at work,

I wanted to put up a sign over my desk that says,

“No, I’m not fine. Quit asking me!”

I didn’t, of course. I put on my headphones, turned on my iPod and pretended to not hear when people spoke to me for most of the day. Actually, sometimes I wasn’t even listening to anything, but I kept on my headphones to create a barrier. Rude, huh? Oh well.

I did not feel like answering questions. I didn’t feel like being distracted by a 15 minute conversation about whatever drama is headlining their life right now. I did not feel like saying once more that we’re getting through it one day at a time but it sucks. I didn’t want to say, again, that I’m hurting. For me, for my sister, for her family, for all of us. I didn’t want to say how unfair it is and how angry I feel sometimes. I didn’t want to say that I feel badly for feeling angry, for not knowing, for not helping, for not reaching out more. I didn’t want to say that I don’t know what to do to help my sister besides listening and offering/trying to do things for her that are too hard for her to think about right now. I didn’t want to say that it’s hard to hold it together and to be strong for those who need me to be strong and to not fall down.

It’s nice to hear that people get through deaths of loved ones, but not today. And probably not tomorrow either. Right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know which anti-depressants they took to feel better or how many years it was before their heart didn’t ache each time they heard that name. Right now, my heart is broken and I don’t feel better. I’m going through the motions of life because I have to. Not because it’s fun. I’m not sure that I’ve actually accomplished anything at all this week, either at home or at work, but I’m physically present and am going through the motions.

I know people mean well. I am glad that they care. Really, I am. But I’m tired of people peering into my face waiting for some big revelation of my feelings when all I feel is haunted, exhausted, and drained and all I want is for them to leave me alone for a little while.

a conversation between co-workers

A: That man reminds me of Earl from Cornbread, Earl and Me. Have you ever seen that one?

B: No. I’ve heard of Me, Myself and Irene, but not the Cornbread one.

A: You should watch it. It’s a good movie.

I’ve not ever seen Cornbread, Earl and Me. Have you?

Megan

My niece Megan left this earth on November 19, 2007.
She was a beautiful young woman, a dear daughter, sister,
cousin, niece, granddaughter and friend. We loved her
tremendously. We miss her and look forward to hearing
her laugh and seeing her smile again one day.

Recent blog searches

I was just looking at the recent searches that have brought readers to my blog.

Evidently, every day people from around the world want to know when Oprah Winfrey’s birthday is.

I’ll not keep you in suspense any longer… it’s January 29, 1954.

If you want to send her a birthday card, I’d advise you to get it in the mail early so her staff has time to go through the mail and get it to her before or on the actual date. Best of luck with that…

On Joy and Sorrow

by Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Thank you, Sara, for sending me this. It’s beautiful.

Thank you

for your kind thoughts and prayers.
The funeral is tomorrow at 10:00am.

grief

My twenty-one year old niece died today.
Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

new template

I’m trying out a new template. I am able to view it with Firefox and have viewed it in IE (although it loaded v-e-r-y slowly). If you have trouble viewing it, please let me know.

Thanks!

finally… no ketones!

Last night at 9:00pm was the first time DD11 has not had ketones in her urine since Tuesday at noon. Through the night and this morning, she remains ketone free. YIPPEE!!!

Now maybe we can get some rest. We’re both exhausted from getting up all night long to check blood sugars & ketones, from DD11 not feeling good and the worry and stress of trying to get it all straightened out.

I just got back from WW. I gained 0.2 this week, which is much better than I expected. I didn’t do the stress eating thing, but I know I ate more than I should have when I was tired and attempting to get some energy or stay awake.

I’m choosing to look at it as a success. It has been a rough week and I didn’t gain 5 pounds!

Introducing Just call me… Pissy Polly!

I called the diabetes educator on call at 4:45pm. The new educator called back at 5:15. In my opinion, 30 minutes is way too long for a return call from a pager dedicated only to diabetes emergencies. Every other educator (I’ve spoken to quite a few this week) has called back in less than 5 minutes. Every time. No exceptions. Until this one.

So we spoke, I had DD11 do a correction bolus and continue her basal rate at 120% for 2 hours. I called the diabetes educator on call back at 7:15, as that was 2 hours from the last time we talked. No return call. I paged her again at 8:00pm. She called back at 9:06pm saying that she’d been trying to call since 7:20 and that my line was busy. That’s bull. It was not busy. If I’d had a life or death emergency, 2 hours could have been the turning point. As it was, DD11’s numbers were getting better. Blood sugar is going down. Ketones are still moderate (not so good).

The diabetes educator on call asked me to call her back at 11pm. I will call her, but I’m pissy about her right now. I’m sure she could hear it in my voice when I told her that my line was NOT busy, no one had been on the phone, and no, no one had the phone off the hook. Come on! Why would my phone be off the hook if I’d just paged an emergency number? Good grief. I’d not have been so angry if she’d just said, you know what? I’m sorry, I dropped the ball, had another diabetes emergency, something. But to act like she’d been calling for 2 hours straight really pushed me over.

When she finally called, she went on & on in a fake high pitched voice (not her normal voice) about how she was so very worried because she’d been trying to call for so long. Whatever. I’m not happy with her.

Tomorrow I’m calling the head diabetes educator about this girl.

Diabetes documentary to air on 18 of November

I just read a wonderful post about diabetes by Kerri at sixuntilme.com.

I found an article at CNNMoney.com about the hour-long documentary, narrated by Glenn Close, that Kerri references in her blog post. It’s airing on the Discovery Health channel at 9:00am on November 18, 2007, and at 8:00am on December 2 and December 16.

If you visit this page at Discovery Health, you can have a reminder sent to your email so you won’t forget to watch the program.

We’ve been home again today. DD11’s blood sugar came down through the night last night. She was just under 300 this morning with low ketones. I was actually up and ready to go to work when she ran to the bathroom and began dry heaving. Mom had said that she’d stay home with her, but I felt that I needed to be here with her. I would have been no good at work. Mom will stay with her tomorrow if she’s mostly over the virus but still needs to be home. I’m worried about Dad and Mom getting sick.

DD11 was in bed for most of the morning. She was exhausted. We were up every 2 hours all night checking blood sugar and trying to check ketones (without success most times).

DD11’s blood sugar was up and down all day today. We’ve upped her basal insulin rate (the amount her pump gives her each hour – in small doses every few minutes), but this afternoon she was back over 400 with ketones between 80 & 160 – in the large category on the little color chart that comes with the urine test strips.

Each time I speak with the doctor on call (when her ketones are high, I’ve been directed to call in), they just tell me to do her correction factor (an insulin injection) and check again in 2 hours. I guess as long as I keep them posted and keep checking her numbers, it will eventually work itself out of her system.

The diabetes educator seemed to think this might be driven by pre-puberty along with the stomach virus. If this is what we’ve got to look forward to with puberty, I’ll just say right now, “YUCK!”

I’m thankful that my children are generally healthy children. These are DD11’s first sick days since her diagnosis last December.

Sweeney’s coming…

This is the cover of the November 9, 2007 issue. Great cover photo, huh?

Here’s an interview by Steve Daly with Johnny Depp about his role as Sweeney Todd and many other things. I really like the photo of Johnny as Sweeney on page one of the interview. It’s a really good interview – check it out!

sick day

I was home from work yesterday with DD11. Cough, cold, fever. Today she went to school, but called around 11:30am after throwing up twice (she was sent back to class after calling me to pick her up, by the way, but that’s another post for a different day).

My dad picked her up from school and brought her home (he & Mom live about 15 minutes away from the school & I work 40 minutes away) and I came right home. When Dad was with DD11, her blood sugar was 189 (goal range is 80-150), so I told him it was ok for him to go home (didn’t want him to get what she’s got if she’s contagious).

DD11 had thrown up 4 times by the time I got home, her blood sugar was up to 521 and her ketones were moderate-to-high (between 80 & 100). I called the Endocrinology emergency pager. The doctor on call told me to change out her pump site, give her an injection of insulin to bring her blood sugar back down and let her have diet sprite/7-up and chicken noodle soup if she wants it. We have to check ketones and blood sugar again in 2 hours and call back with numbers. DD11 drank all the liquid from 2 bowls of chicken noodle soup but was scared to eat the noodles. Maybe she’ll be up to trying it again in a little bit. She keeps saying that she’s hungry.

She’s now laying on a sleeping mat on the living room floor & half-watching “School of Rock.”

It’s her first “sick day” since being diagnosed with diabetes & I sort of freaked out when her blood sugar got up so high. I was almost in tears, driving home, needing to stop somewhere to get diet sprite & chicken noodle soup (because of course, we’d run out after yesterday). I was almost in tears, my stomach was in knots, I was really worried about her. I still am, but it’s easier since I’m now home with her and can see her.

We’re to call the Doctor on call at 3pm and report her current blood sugar and ketone levels.

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Your Fashion Style is Classic

You like what’s stood the test of time… Simple, well styled clothes that don’t scream trendy You stay updated and modern, but your clothes stay in style for a while You wouldn’t be caught in animal prints, fake fur, or super bright colors

What Kind of Fashionable Woman Are You?

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Update:

DD11 checked her blood sugar & ketones at 3pm – still really high – blood sugar 472 and high ketones. Called Dr. on call – did another correction insulin injection.

At 5pm, she checked again – coming down – blood sugar 311 and low to moderate ketones.
Called Dr. on call – another correction insulin injection.

Will be checking blood sugar again at 7pm, 9pm, 1am & 5am. I don’t have to call the Dr. on call again unless she starts vomiting again or her numbers get wonky. As it is, she’s heading in the right direction with her numbers and she seems to be feeling a lot better. The doctor said she can go to school tomorrow if no more vomiting overnight.

She’s eating dinner right now and seems to be handling it well so far.
It is scary how fast the balance can be thrown off. I’m glad my dad was nearby and that I could get home quickly.

Buckley’s

When we got to the bed and breakfast (about half an hour away from Niagara Falls, Ontario), Chrissie and I saw a commercial for Buckley’s Cough medicine. The commercial had a bunch of big burly looking guys who were practically crying from the horrible taste of the cough medicine. We don’t have Buckley’s here and giggled about that commercial a lot.

Later, when we were out to dinner, we decided to go in a grocery store for a box of Kleenex for Chrissie. She’d been battling a cold and cough for several days. The only cough medicine in the store was right by the Kleenex boxes and it was… ta da! Buckley’s!

Of course, we had to get it. A lady who was in line at the cash register told Chrissie that her husband swears by Buckley’s. Actually, the whole weekend, people told us how Buckley’s tastes really awful but works great. Just like the commercial says. Tastes awful. Works great.

When Chrissie tried the Buckley’s, I had my camera ready and had her hold the Buckley’s bottle in her hand in case we decided later to send in her photos to Buckley’s. 🙂

Buckley’s can be ordered at the Granville Wellness website.

Mom, Chrissie and I all brought home Buckley’s cough syrup and Buckley’s Jack and Jill (for children).

DD11 has had a cold/cough/stuffy-runny nose/sore throat for the past few days. Although she hates the taste, she now asks for Buckley’s when she’s coughing a lot because it works so well and she can sleep all night with no coughing.

I think I will always keep a bottle on hand.